


I Don't Know What To Say

by clv44



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Caleb Widogast Needs a Hug, Comfort, Depression, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Frumpkin is an Emotional Support Animal (Critical Role), Gen, Magic, Nightmares, POV Caleb Widogast
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-16
Updated: 2020-01-16
Packaged: 2021-02-27 05:48:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,524
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22282111
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/clv44/pseuds/clv44
Summary: After staying up late to work on a spell, Caleb hears someone crying in the Xhorhaus.
Relationships: Luc Brenatto & Caleb Widogast, Nott & Caleb Widogast
Comments: 23
Kudos: 184





	I Don't Know What To Say

**Author's Note:**

> Title taken from a BMTH song because I have no originality. (◔_◔)

It was only by chance that Caleb caught Luc out of his room past midnight. He had been working on a particularly complicated spell in his library, determined that he wouldn't allow himself sleep until it was finished. His eyes were crying out for rest by the time he finally put down his quill and staggered wearily from the library. He knew he was going to be exhausted in the morning, but it was worth it. He was that much closer to his goals and soon he'd have all the components he needed. He would finally see his mother and father again. He thought about his father's strong arms wrapping him in a hug and his mother's smile, radiant as a sun, as she laid a hand on his cheek. He sniffled and wiped the tears from his eyes. He heard another sniffle and stopped. That hadn't come out of him.

He paused in the hallway, straining his ears for the sound. There it was again, a tiny sniff and a hiccup. It was faint, so faint Caleb couldn't tell where it had come from. He snapped Frumpkin into existence and sat down against the hallway wall, his eyes going blank as he inhabited the skin of his familiar. Through the eyes and ears of his cat, the world came into sharper focus; the darkness of midnight wasn't as penetrating and the sounds of sniffling and tiny sobs were as clear as if they'd been right next to him. They were coming from the kitchen; Caleb had Frumpkin hop nimbly sneak down the hall and leap onto the kitchen counter, scanning the room with his piercing green eyes. The room had gone quiet, no more sniffling, hiccuping or noise of any sort. Frumpkin's tail twitched in response to the anxieties of both pet and master. Had they been seen? Were they now being watched and about to be attacked?

There was another hiccup and Frumpkin snapped his head in the direction of the noise. Under the table, curled up into a ball, was the tiny form of Luc Brenatto. He stared at Frumpkin, his eyes rimmed with red and his lip trembling. Caleb sighed with relief; at least he wasn't a thief or monster. He considered slipping out of Frumpkin and going to get Nott or Yeza; surely they were better at consoling a crying child than he was. What position was he in to comfort a distraught child with _his_ emotional baggage? He wasn't even a parent, for gods' sakes. And yet for all his convincing he still found himself inside Frumpkin's head, hopping off the counter and waddling over to nuzzle up against the boy's chest.

"Hi," Luc whispered, not moving. He seemed unsure of what to do with himself. He just stared at the cat, but his breathing was less ragged and Caleb could hear his heartbeat steady. The halfling boy gingerly pet Frumpkin's back; it was barely a whisper of a touch, but Frumpkin purred loudly against Luc's chest. This seemed to encourage the boy, as he began stroking Frumpkin from head to tail with both hands. Frumpkin's back arched and he gave a soft _meow_.

"I had a nightmare," Luc said, his voice cracking. "Mama was in it." Frumpkin slipped into his lap and Luc wrapped his arms tightly around the animal's lithe, fluffy form. Frumpkin nuzzled his face into the crook of Luc's neck.

"She didn't look like her, though," the boy continued. "Mama, that is. She had sharp teeth. Her hands were rough and she had claws." He gulped heavily and his grip on Frumpkin tightened as his fingers ran nervously through the bright orange fur.

"She was angry at me. She said she didn't want to see me anymore; that's why she'd disappeared. She wanted to stay with the goblins." His little voice broke and new tears fell into Frumpkin's fur. "She said she was going away forever. She was going to stay with Mr. Caleb now." His voice became choked with a sob. He tried to speak, but all he could do was cry and bury his face in Frumpkin's back.

Caleb felt the control of his magic slip away from him as he came back to himself on the hallway floor. He found that he was gasping for air and his cheeks were wet with tears. He hid his face in his hands, trying to calm his breathing. He felt so many emotions swirling in him at once, most of them bad. Guilt that his connection with Nott had made Luc feel rejected. Anger that he couldn't do anything else to help the boy except send him a cat to dry his tears. Disappointment that he wasn't good enough with kids to help more. Fear that he might be discovered and make Luc feel even worse for having been caught. But in the midst of all the darkness of his mind, there was one emotion that, if not positive, was at least one that offered some hope: empathy. Caleb knew exactly how the boy felt, knew all too well the loneliness and fear that came from dreams like that. He had been having similar dreams ever since they had brought Luc and Yeza to live with them in the Xhorhaus. Dreams where Nott decided she didn't want to be with Caleb anymore, never wanted to see him again. Just live with her _real_ family.

Caleb forced himself to come back to reality, angrily wiping away the tears and shoving his own sadness to the back of his mind. If he was going to do anything for Luc, no matter how small it might be, he couldn't focus on his own sorrow. He tried to ignore the tightness in his chest, the tears seeping out from under his closed eyes, and reached out again for Frumpkin.

It wasn't working; the connection was shaky and Caleb cursed himself for his own chaotic emotions. He wanted to smack the floor so his palm would sting, hit himself so he could focus. But all he did was pick himself up and drag himself down the stairs. He could hear Luc's sniffling and Frumpkin _meowing_ in his arms. The floor creaked beneath Caleb's feet as he reached the bottom and the sniffling was cut off. He could still hear the sounds of Frumpkin snuggling up against Luc's pajamas, but he looked around the kitchen, pretending to neither see nor hear them.

"Hallo?" he called out quietly. Nobody responded. He turned his head, slowly shifting his gaze over towards the table. He pretended to just catch sight of the small halfling boy curled up underneath, clinging onto Frumpkin like the cat was a lifeline.

"Luc?" he asked, tiptoeing over and slowly bringing himself down to sit on the floor. Frumpkin looked at him from around Luc's shoulders and made to jump over to him.

 _No,_ Caleb told him through their bond. Frumpkin nearly slipped as he tried to reverse his prepared leap. _Keep him company,_ though Caleb, telling the cat to lick the boy's face. Frumpkin did so, lapping at the lines of tears that made their way down Luc's cheeks.

"You were faking," Luc said, not meeting Caleb's gaze.

Caleb blinked. "Pardon?"

"You knew I was here," said the boy. It wasn't a guess; it was a confident statement. "You didn't want to embarrass me, so you pretended like you didn't know where I was. I could tell."

Caleb rubbed the back of his neck, grimacing. Nott had told them her son was smart, able to walk and talk from a much earlier age than normal. He should've anticipated he would be observant enough to see Caleb's poor attempts at acting for what they were.

"Ja," he admitted, his face red.

"I appreciate it," Luc said, giving Frumpkin a few scritches behind his ears. "Not many others would try. They'd try to comfort me, make themselves feel useful."

Caleb felt the tightness in his chest grow more painful. He couldn't count the number of times he'd had those exact same sentiments. He looked into the halfling boy's face and saw so much of himself; the tight control of the eyes trying to keep back tears, the tense cheek muscles trying to keep his lips from falling into a pout, the flitting gaze that looked everywhere except at the only other person in the room. The person who didn't want to do anything except help him.

"It's not a weakness to be comforted, Luc," Caleb whispered, joining Luc in petting Frumpkin. The boy glanced at him before looking back at the floor.

"I know," he mumbled.

"No." Caleb sighed. "You just know you're supposed to know. It's what people like your mother and father have told you when you've refused their help. And you know that it's the right answer to their words of comfort when you don't know what to say. But it never feels real, does it?" Luc looked up at him and his big brown eyes locked with Caleb's icy blue ones. He shook his head and Caleb nodded.

"They mean well," Caleb said quietly. "They mean all the goodness in the world. They love you with all that they are. They would do anything to make you happy. They're just not sure how."

They were quiet for awhile, the only sounds being Frumpkin purring and rubbing into Luc's clothes.

"Mr. Caleb?"

"Yes?"

Luc swallowed and Caleb silently prayed to whatever gods were listening that the boy would have the courage to tell him what was wrong.

"Can you show me some of your magic?"

Caleb's heart sagged, but he put a small smile on his face.

"Of course. What would you like to see?"

"Mama says you're really good with fire," the boy said and Caleb thought he could hear jealousy in his voice.

"I can do a few tricks with fire, yes."

"Can I see?"

Caleb took a pinch of bat guano from his jacket pocket and rubbed it between his fingers. A tiny ball of bright orange flame illuminated the space under the table, floating in his palm. Luc's eyes widened and he stared at it, transfixed. Frumpkin was similarly taken with the ball of light, stock still in Luc's crossed legs. Caleb's smile turned genuine as he was struck with an idea.

He gave a quiet whistle and the ball of fire leapt out of his palm and skittered onto the floor. He would've prompted Frumpkin to chase after it, but that wasn't necessary. He may have been Fey, but Frumpkin was still a cat. And the law of nature stated that cats chased little balls of light. Frumpkin leapt from Luc's lap, chasing after the fireball. It jerked just out of the reach of his paws and Frumpkin swatted at it. Again, it jumped just out of the way, hiding under the counter before zipping up onto the stove top. Frumpkin diligently pursued it and Luc giggled the entire time. Caleb ruffled his hair and the boy seemed to lean into his touch.

"Your mother loves you very much, you know," he said. Luc jerked away from him and Caleb mentally kicked himself. What was he thinking? The boy didn't know what he'd heard and now he was going to put him in a position where he closed up.

"You heard that too?" Luc didn't meet his gaze. He only twiddled his fingers. Caleb called back the ball of light so that it floated between them.

"Yes," he admitted, reluctantly.

"Sorry." The apology was so quiet and so choked that Caleb didn't think he'd heard it.

"Sorry?" he asked. "For what?" Luc looked up at him and in the light of the floating flame Caleb could see the shine of tears at the edge of his eyes.

"Well..." His voice caught and he cleared his throat. Caleb waited patiently. "I... I know that Mama isn't like that and... I know you're not... trying to... y'know..."

"Take her away from you," Caleb completed, practically hearing his heart break at the tears spilling onto Luc's cheeks. He took a deep breath and put a hand on the boy's tiny shoulder.

"Listen to me, Luc." The boy didn't look up, but Caleb kept going. "Your mother was captured by a tribe of vicious goblins. That didn't keep her from you. There were thousands of miles of hostile terrain between her and where you were. _That_ didn't keep her away from you. Your father was kept in an enemy prison cell. _That_ didn't stop her from bringing you all together. I am one weak man who isn't even your mother's flesh and blood. I will never take your mother away from you and I wouldn't even if I could. Your mother loves you with all her heart. She will never be taken away from you and gods help the one who tries to take _you_ away from _her_."

Luc's shoulder still shook with little sobs, but he leaned into Caleb's chest and his tears fell onto his jacket. Caleb stiffened, not really expecting this. Then, slowly, he wrapped his boney arms around Luc's tiny body and held him until his quiet cries turned to subdued sniffles.

"Mama loves you too, you know," he whispered. Caleb rubbed little circles into the child's back.

"I know," he said, not really feeling it.

"No," Luc said and Caleb felt him smile against his shirt. "You just know you're supposed to."

Caleb gave a sad chuckle. Frumpkin sauntered up to them, the fireball forgotten, and curled up against Caleb's back, warm and familiar as a favorite pillow.

Caleb registered that Luc's breaths were slower and less heavy. His little mouth hung open and a little line of drool already lead down to his chin.

Caleb slowly crawled out from under the table and carried Luc up the stairs of the Xhorhaus, down the hall and to the room he shared with Nott and Yeza. He gingerly opened the door, making sure not to creak the hinges as much as he could, and went to tuck Luc under his quilts. The boy's tiny hand still clutched to the edge of Caleb's coat. He gently loosened his fingers and tucked the quilt beneath his body. He brushed a lock of brown hair off Luc's forehead and ran a finger delicately along his cheek.

 _Please,_ he thought (or prayed), _Please don't let him grow up like me. Give him family that loves him. Give him friends that understand. Give him a cat or dog who makes him happy. Give him a wife or husband who makes him better. Make him like anyone but me._

He got up and tiptoed out the door, back to the library, and into his own bed.

He never heard Nott stirring in her sleep. He never saw her eyes crack open to watch him tuck her son into bed. He never saw her smile as she watched her two sons. And he never heard her think that if Luc grew up to be half the man that Caleb was now, she would be the happiest woman in Wildemount.

**Author's Note:**

> I really wasn't so sure about the ending of this one. Like, I could totally see this as one of the outcomes, but I didn't feel like it was *the* outcome, y'know. I just didn't know how else to end it. Plus, this is the most satisfying ending I could think of, so... Anyway, feedback is appreciated.
> 
> Oh yeah, it's my birthday today, by the way.


End file.
